This Is A State of Grace
by PurpleBacon
Summary: Post-iGoodbye. Does Freddie even deserve Sam? How will it turn out for them without Carly? One-shot for all our broken hearts out there.


Based on State of Grace by Taylor Swift. Set like Looking For Alaska.

.com i understand

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_**-I'm walking fast through the traffic lights**_  
_**Busy streets and busy lives-**_

**Now**

_She grips the handle of her brand new motorcycle with fervent pressure as she waits for the green circle to glow. Her thoughts fly to the moment they thought of iCarly, how she thought she would have had to work so much and how she just agreed to being Carly's right hand in a jiffy. She smiles at the memory of her silly little self. How much she has grown._

He leans on his door, reminiscing the all the memories that have happened in that hallway. Maybe, iCarly, the webshow had just ended, but iCarly, the memories- now those will never end, never fade. He laughs when he remembers how much of a midget he was, a nerdy, little weakling that just wanted the love of her dream girl.

-And all we know is touch and go  
We alone with our changing minds-

He touches his lips, the feel of Carly's lips on his still there. He's happy for he knows that it was for the best, and maybe all he needed was a little memory to hold on to. Carly always knew what was right for him. He never knew anything about love, always went with the wind, letting the girl take the first step. That's how it's always worked for him. He always thought the next time Carly would kiss him. It would mean that they'll finally be together – his greatest dream for all this time. But now that she did, all he wanted was to get her out of the way of something new, something he felt even more for.

This time, he was taking the first step.

_**-We fall in love till it hurts or bleeds, or fades in time-**_

_And she couldn't believe that this was all over, but the smile on her face stays. Even though, she's completely lost on the inside. She has no idea what to do without iCarly, without someone to guide her. _

_She left without going back upstairs to talk with Spencer, Freddie and Gibby. Even though she was tough, she couldn't bear to see their faces without Carly in their presence. She knew that they were feeling as lost as she was. Carly brought them together. _

_And they were supposed to stay together._

_She takes a u-turn, going back to Bushwell._

_**-And I never saw you coming**_  
_**And I'll never be the same-**_

**179 days before**

_The realization hit her in a moment's glimpse. A random thought as she watched Freddie laugh at Spencer's joke. He looked almost like someone she would find attractive. She ignored it for the moment, but the thought held on to her even up to the night. She stayed up all night, thinking it over. She had no idea how much she knew about love. She had no idea if she was right. So, she went with her gut because she actually never saw it coming._

_And as he stood there, telling her words of encouragement to go and get the guy he likes, she felt drawn to him, like electricity forcing them together. _

_And their lips were together and she felt the fireworks and she didn't want to let go and she just wanted to be in his arms because it just felt so __**perfect.**_

_And ever since, she's never been quite like the Sam before. Now, she wasn't ignorant to her feelings and she took pride in them. And maybe that's all everyone ever wanted from her._

_**-You come around and the armor falls**_  
_**Pierce the room like a cannon ball-**_

**159 days before**

_And she felt her walls crumbling when he kissed her. She was uncertain, scared, confused. She had no idea what to do. Only one thing registered in her mind- she got what she wanted. _

_For once, she got what she wanted._

_And she saw the world in brighter colors, like somebody just opened the window for her._

_She whispered to herself as he held her hand. "Thank you, Freddie."_

Did he ever know what love was, really?

He's dated Valerie and Carly, two girls of perfection, the ideal girl. But the way he saw Sam was something completely different, something even better. Just the moment she saw her ever since the kiss, he felt something swell in his heart. He had no idea what it was but he liked it. It was a state of grace.

And he took his chance and kissed her and he felt the fireworks and he didn't want to let go and he wanted to just hug her and smell her hair because it just felt so perfect.

And for once, someone liked him because he was Freddie, the geek. Not Freddie, the tech producer or Freddie, the hero. Just Freddie, Freddie Benson.

_**-Now all we know, is don't let go**_  
_**We are alone just you and me-**_

_**Now**_

"Hey." She says, stepping into the fire escape.

He chuckles, knowing who the girl is without even turning his head. "I knew you would show up somehow."

"Well, I couldn't just leave."

He stands up and sits at the stairs. They hide their smiles, realizing the familiarity of the situation. "How did you know I was here?"

"No idea." She answers, vaguely. And it was true, she just felt that he was there.

"So, how's it going?" He asks, trying to keep the conversation going.

She laughs. "Not much." She looks over at him with uncertain eyes. "How about you?"

"Carly." He answers, as is someone just asked him if he liked his mother.

"Isn't it always."

"She kissed me, you know." He says and the tension grew.

She felt like someone just slapped her. Her heart raced with emotions too much to name. She lost Carly and now she's lost Freddie, her ex, the only person who ever loved her, to Carly, her best friend, the girl who just moved.

And she felt her heart crumble to pieces, because all she wanted was to kiss him and not let go and be held in his arms and feel his breathe on her skin, tickling her nose because it was perfect that way.

"What?" was all she managed.

"She kissed me. I didn't know what to do, so I just decided to be happy about it." Freddie starts, as if talking to the air. "I think she just knew I needed something to hold on to when she was gone."

"So, are you like together now?" She asks, afraid of the answer.

He laughs. "Nope. I'm pretty sure I've let go of that thought with your help. I don't think I ever want to be her boyfriend. It doesn't seem right."

She laughs in relief, but something inside her shook like a warning.

"I'll miss her, though." He adds.

"Who wouldn't? She brought us together."

He looks into her eyes, searching for color but finding none. "Sam, what's wrong?"

She scrunches her eyebrows. "What? Nothing." She says. Her voice falters.

"Look, I know that you're going through so much confusion right now. You have no idea what to do, I get it. Without iCarly, without any new friend to hang out with—"

She doesn't let him finish before she bursts. "It's not just that, Freddie! I'm just so completely lost. I don't know what my emotions are doing! Yes, Carly's gone and what you were gonna say is that I still have you." She pauses for a breathe, staring into his eyes. "But, do I, really? I've gone through so much after that break-up and all I've ever felt was that I'm still in love with you. So, I tried to be normal and I tried to be what you wanted me to be and I did! But you- you walked around, following Carly like some puppy and you told me that your crush was back and now that she kissed you, you say that you feel nothing!"

"I didn't!" He says, standing up. His voice sounded almost like a laugh.

"You can't just feel nothing, Freddie. I've been walking around, my hopes still up for you. And you just keep changing courses. I don't know what to believe anymore, Freddie." She says, realization drawing on her. "I'm lost and I can't even trust you anymore."

**132 Days Before**  
_**-Up in your room and our slates are clean**_  
_**Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes-**_

"Why am I in your nerd cave?" She asks, after Freddie takes out the blindfold.

"Because, I have something for you." He answers, his idiotic smile trapped on his face.

"Is it ham?" She answers, her eyes glowing bright.

"Nope." He walks over to his drawer and takes out a rose and a tiny little box.

"Freddie….What's in that?" She asks, uncertainly.

"Shut up. I'm giving you a gift, so don't complain." He takes her hands in his and looks into those perfect blue orbs he's always loved. "I never expected that we would last more than a month."

She giggles. "I started this relationship with doubts too, you know"

"But, I don't care." He continues. "I don't care about the doubts because I'm sure about you. I'm sure that I will love all your imperfections and that you'll love mines and I'll keep that in my heart."

She tried to stop the tears swelling in her eyes and to slow the beating of her heart because she never expected anyone to say that to her. And she looked into his eyes and saw his irises shaking with excitement. "You're a sap."

"But, you love me." He says, and opens the little box. Inside was a silver necklace with a heart dangling from it. Her fingertips touch the heart, it was rough with ridges and it's edges were unequal. The heart was imperfect, but it looked beautiful.

She kissed him and they felt the fireworks and they didn't want to let go but they had to because she felt a thorn of the rose prick her thumb.

"Way to ruin with the cheesy moment."

**43 Days Before  
_-So you were never a saint_**  
_**And I love the Sade's are wrong-**_

"What happened?" Carly asked, running up to the studio when she hears the sound of crashing things.

"Saaam! Give it back!" He screams.

She giggles as she runs around the room, raising the smoothie in triumph. "Come and get me."

The table on the center was lying on the floor and props were scattered all around. "How long have you been playing this game?" Carly asks, blocking Freddie from Sam.

"It's not a game!" Freddie whines. "She stole my smoothie!"

"Then, just buy a new one. It's just right across the street." Carly reasons.

"No! That smoothie was made just for me with my favorite fruits as a gift from T-Bo and it tastes heavenly!" Freddie runs pass Carly and catches Sam just as she's about to turn.

His arms were wrapped tightly around her waist and she could feel his breathe on her neck, sending shivers down her spine. He grabs the smoothie out of her hands in her moment of shock. Knowing that she would grab it again as a reflex, he raised the smoothie above his head, smirking at his advantage of being tall.

She turns in his arms and they were so close and they didn't want to let go. Their lips were inches away and their eyes were locked together.

And they found it so hard to look away.

Carly laughs. "How long have you two been playing this game?" She repeats.

They finally step out of their trance and break away, standing awkwardly at their places. He looks at Sam, taking a sip from his smoothie. "You're cruel."

She laughs. "Who ever said I was a saint?"

**5 Days After**  
_**-We learn to live with the pain**_  
_**Mostly of broken hearts-**_

"_I don't deserve you, don't I?" _

_The words repeat in her head just like it happened a minute ago. He doesn't deserve her and he knew it himself. She felt the dagger in her heart as she stepped out of the fire escape. _

_She never gets what she wants._

_And she couldn't bear to think that she had him in her fingertips and let him slip away that easily._

_And she kept asking herself what if she never said that out loud. Would they be together now, happily ever after? Or would they have been together but she would have never felt completely safe?_

_It's been 5 days without Carly and she's been lazing around in her room, ignoring the pain of a broken heart. All she knows that she'll learn to live with the scar until it becomes part of her._

_She's talked with Carly over the phone and she never mentioned anything about the kiss._

_That's when she realizes that she's alone._

_And she'll have to learn to live like that._

He goes back and forth between Spencer's apartment and Gibby's house, trying to forget Sam but he just can't. He's known her too long to forget her and he's loved her too real to not love her.

He just really can't pluck up the courage to walk over to her house, knock on her door and ask for forgiveness

He sits on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. He was stupid, clueless, ignorant over what was really right for him and he's gone from girl to girl, completely ignoring the girl who actually really loved him.

He was right. A girl like Sam deserves someone better.

**8 Days After**  
_**-But this love is raging and wild-**_

He walks to the park, sipping his annual special smoothie made by T-Bo. And he still hasn't really lived with the pain.

He sits on a park bench, waiting for something but now knowing what it is.

At the corner of his eye, he sees familiar blonde hair. Before he knows it, he's on his heels, chasing after her.

"Sam!" He screams, but she keeps walking fast. "Sam, come back!"

She keeps walking.

"Please!" He screams.

She stops and turns. "What do you want now?"

He runs over to her and looks into her eyes. He could tell that she's been going through so much. "Tell me what I did wrong."

"You played with my feelings." She answers, quickly then turns to leave.

He catches her hand before she starts leaving him again. "I'm sorry."

"How can I ever trust you again?" She screams in frustration. "That night, I was supposed to go home but then I realized that Carly would have wanted some kind of resolution so I went to the fire escape, looking for you. And I had my hopes up that for once, I would get what I want without having anything to be scared of, but then she kissed you and you told me you felt nothing and it all came crashing down because I have no idea who you are anymore!"

Tears were falling from her eyes ad it pained him to see her like that and not have any right to hold her. "Remember that night when I told you that I'd love all your imperfections and you'd love mine? Well, I still do. And I mean it this time."

"How do I kn—"

"How should you know?" He finishes for her. "Because I've been sulking around and beating myself up because I couldn't have you and because it's all my fault. Because I know what I did was wrong. Because I fell in love with you even before you were normal. Because I've loved you even with Carly here. Because I feel the butterflies in my stomach dance when I'm near you. Because I see fireworks when I kiss you. Because I just love you, Sam Puckett." He looks into her eyes and then screams it out loud.

"I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I AM, SAMANTHA PUCKETT."

She looks at him with a blank face. "I don't know." She laughs at herself.

He holds her cheek in his hand and stares deep into her eyes. "How will I show you?"

"Cliché as it is…" She looks at him, smiling timidly. "Kiss me."

_**-And I never saw you coming**_  
_**And I'll never be the same again-**_

And they kissed and they felt the fireworks and they didn't want to let go and they held each other tightly and he lifted her into the air and twirled around and they felt the butterflies dancing and they felt the fire burn wild and the sparks ignited in them as if they've been waiting to be lighted for the longest time and they deserved each other because they were meant for each other.

They finally let go and they laughed and smiled and hugged and it felt perfect.

**64 Days After**

_**-This is a state of grace**_  
_**This is a worth while fight-**_

They laid on her bed together, her head on his chest and his fingers playing with her hair.

"I'm okay." She says, randomly.

He laughs. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"No, I mean, I'm happy and I'm not scared and I'm not lost because you found me and I trust you to keep me safe."

He looks at her with adoring eyes. "The Sam before would have never said that."

"The Sam before kept her feelings in a cage."

"Don't change."

She smiles and gives him a peck on thee lips. "No, not ever."

_**-Love is a ruthless game**_  
_**Unless you play it good and right-**_  
**89 Days After**

"How are you still together?" Spencer asks them. "You're actually working it even without Carly."

He puts his arm around her shoulders. "We're okay." He says.

"I'm surprised they haven't killed each other yet." Gibby tells Spencer.

"Love is weird." Spencer says.

"And ruthless. You only have to play it right."

**75 Days After**

_**-These are the hands of fate**_  
_**You're my Achilles heel**_  
_**This is the golden age of something good**_  
_**And right and real-**_

"Sam?" He asks, worriedly. "What's wrong?"

She sits with her head buried in her knees. "I'm a mess."

He puts an arm around her and she cries into his chest. "No, you're not. You're perfect."

"No, I can't go to college!" She screams.

"Yes, you can!" He tells her. "You're smart."

"No, I'm not! I'm lazy and stupid and clueless and—"

Freddie kisses her. "You're smart. And you just need some motivation." He stares into her eyes. "I'm here for you and I'm gonna help you and nothing's gonna stop you."

And she felt something pop inside her and she was okay again and she knew she would get what she needed because she had Freddie and she knew that he wouldn't leave her because he loved her and she knew it was real.

"I love you." She whispers.

"I love you too." He kisses her forehead. "Now, let's hit the books."

_**-And I never saw you coming**_  
_**And I'll never be the same**_  
_**And I never saw you coming**_  
_**And I'll never be the same-**_

"_I was just gonna say…."_

"_That we should kiss?"_

"_I hate you."_

"_I hate you too."_

"_You care about Sam."_

"_She's not in love with you. She's in love with what you did."_

"_I never said I hate you."_

"_I know it's hard for you to put your feelings out there cause you never know if the person you like is gonna like you back."_

"_Okay, Benson, we get it. You want to humiliate me on the web in front of millions of people. Well, go ahead and do it. Get back at me for all the mean things I've said."_

"_But it was mutual, right?"_

"_I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

_**-This is a state of grace**_  
_**This is the worthwhile fight**_  
_**Love is a ruthless game**_  
_**Unless you play it good and right-**_

And they never let go and they loved until hurt and bled but it never faded because they played the ruthless game good and right.

And they never saw it coming because it was part of them and they were okay.

"_I guess we're both insane."_

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_REVIEW PLEASE COOKIE TO THOSE WHO DO_


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